Chapter 1
AUTUMN (my name, not the season)
I walk outside and the cold bites my skin. I shiver, gathering my blanket close around me.
I head back into our house. It’s pretty big, made of many cardboard boxes. Then there is a tarp over the whole thing to keep it waterproof and many quilts pinned up on the inside to keep it as warm as possible.
Laurie, my little sister, she is ten, is asleep under a foot of blankets, but her lips are still a light shade of blue.
“Laurie, wake up. Laurie!” I shake her shoulder. She blinks her eyes open and squints. “Here’s your breakfast,” I hand her a slice of bread and what is left from the can of beer I drank from. I light a cigarette and then light one and hand it to Laurie after she is done with her breakfast.
I blow out a puff of smoke, then say “We have to see Lea today. We’re out of food and only have a can of beer and three cigarettes left.”
Laurie stands.
“So make yourself presentable. Here’s the brush,” I hand her our brush.
Laurie brushes her long blond hair.
Laurie looks nothing like me.
She has straight long blonde hair and light blue eyes while I have dark curly brown hair and eyes so dark brown they are close to black.
I use the brush after Laurie, then put the blankets wrapped around me on the floor.
I shiver.
All I’m wearing is a tattered long sleeve shirt, dress, and pair of knee socks. And some shoes that are now just a piece of cloth wrapped in duct tape.
“Okay, let’s go,” I say, bracing myself for the cold.
After Laurie steps out of the tent, I cover the front of our house with trash can bins and trash bags to one, hide our house, and two, keep it from getting demolished by the strong winds.
We then start walking, wet gray snow underneath.
The walk is long.
Three miles, about.
I’m only fourteen, too young to drive.
But I can’t read or write, anyway, so it really doesn’t matter.
“I’m cold,’ Laurie complains.
“I know. We’ll be there soon,” I tell her.
“I’m tired,” she continues.
“I know.”
I hate it when she’s in one of these moods.
“I’m hungry.”
“I know.”
“My feet hurt.”
“I know.”
“My hands hurt.”
“I know.”
“It’s so cold.”
“I know.”
“I’m tired,” she whines.
“I know.”
“I’m so, so cold.”
“Laurie, we’re a block away.”
“Oh,” she replies, sounding surprised.
She shuts up after that.
“We’re here,” I say after walking just a little while longer.
I enter the shop first.
The front is a large window and door.
The cracked glass is covered with layers and layers of newspaper.
Inside smells of an odd mix of cigarette smoke and fresh-baked bread.
The bell on the door jingles loudly as it bangs shut.
I shoot Laurie a look for forgetting to close the door nicely, once again.
“I’ll be right there!” Lea yells from the back of the shop.
She comes in a moment later.
Lea is a short woman with blonde straight hair and dark brown eyes.
She has a scar running from the corner of her left eye to her jaw bone and, though she is very thin, she has really, really fat lips.
“Ah. Autumn. Laurie,” Lea nods at each of us.
“Good morning!” I greet.
“It is quite a long list today. Do you think you can handle it?” Lea raises her eyebrows in a question.
I nod. “Yes.”
“Okay,” she hurries around the counter, grabbing a piece of paper and hurries back to us.
“Here,” she says, handing me the paper.
There are many more pictures than usual.
There are:
Four loaves of bread.
Ten sausage links.
Four bottles of wine.
Six coats.
Four pairs of gloves.
Four scarves.
Six packs of cigarettes.
I stare at the list.
“What will we get?” I wonder aloud.
“Two loaves of bread, four sausage links, two bottles of wine, two coats, two pairs of gloves, two scarves, and three packs of cigarettes,” Lea replies.
“Wow,” Laurie says quietly.
Lea gives a slight smile.
“So, get goin’,” Lea shoos us away.
We go back outside and decide to head to the bakery first.
“Okay. Laurie, you distract the man, I’ll steal the bread.”
“Okay,” Laurie agrees.
Laurie steps into the shop and starts talking with the man behind the counter.
I go in a moment later and swipe four loaves off the counter, running outside and looking back at the shop.
Laurie dashes out of the shop, running to our hiding spot.
“Someone stop her!” the baker calls out, running out of the shop.
I face forward and-
Oomph.
Run right into someone.
The bread falls to the ground and I stumble and fall, too.
I look up.
A boy with sandy hair and green eyes looks down at me, probably about my age.
I scramble to my feet as the baker calls a policeman to me, and when I start to run, a strong hand catches my arm.
I twist away from the boy, but it is too late, because the policeman is there, putting handcuffs on my wrists.
I glare at the boy as the policeman forces me into his car.
I cannot believe that I just got arrested.
What will happen to Laurie?
She doesn’t even know where all the shops are.
Oh, Laurie, I am so sorry.
Chapter 2
LAURIE
I’ve been waiting for ever.
And I’m cold.
And tired.
And famished.
And my feet hurt.
And my hands hurt.
And my lips are probably blue.
And I can’t feel my hands.
And that probably isn’t a good sign.
And you still aren’t here, Autumn.
And I’ve been waiting, like, forever.
It must have been an hour or two ago when I last saw you, just a blurb as I darted for cover.
I am sitting, bouncing really, on my heels.
I pinch my nose as the smell of rotten garbage drifts toward me.
At least it’s winter.
Eventually, I give up waiting and head back home.
You’ll figure it out.
Hopefully.
Moving the trash cans alone is harder than you’d think.
I wish you were here.
But you aren’t.
Not right now, anyway.
Soon, you’ll be back.
Hopefully.
No, no.
You will.
I need to stop being so negative.
View the glass as half empty.
Oops.
I mean half full.
So much for being positive.
Oh, well…
Come on, Autumn.
The sun is starting to set.
You’ve never done this before.
Please, please come back.
Soon.
What has happened to you?
I’m getting worried.
Really worried.
I gather the blankets around me.
And shiver.
And my stomach growls.
Autumn…
Come on.
There’s no food.
And I want to smoke.
But you’ve never taught me how to use a lighter.
Or light a match.
I sigh.
And grab a can of beer.
And drink the whole thing.
Sorry, Autumn.
I know you’ll be mad.
But maybe not.
Maybe you won’t mind.
I lay down.
Close my eyes.
Wish you good luck.
Hope I’ll see you soon.
Hope you’re okay.
Hope you haven’t left.
For good.
Forever.
And then I sleep.
I wake up.
And you’re still gone.
I find a bottle of water.
And drink the whole thing in two seconds.
I then lay back down.
And stay that way.
For the whole day.
Waiting.
For you.
But you don’t come.
And then I shut my eyes.
Hope you come back.
Wonder what I’ve done wrong.
Please, Autumn…
Do come back.
I sleep.
A very restless sleep.
When I wake.
You’re still gone.
And I need to eat.
I haven’t eaten for two days.
I drag myself up.
I’m dizzy.
So dizzy.
The world won’t stop spinning.
I make my way to Lea’s.
The bell chimes in the doorway.
“You never came back!” she scolds.
Then frowns.
“Where’s Autumn?”
I tell Lea you’re gone.
And you know what she does?
She pushes me out.
Literally pushes me out.
Out the door.
And slams the door in my face.
I wish you were here.
And I’m so sorry because you’re probably not having fun… wherever you are.
Chapter 3
AUTUMN
I am drove to the police station where I’m put in a cell.
I’m alone, though, thankfully.
“Don’t I get a phone call or somethin’?” I ask, but I would have no one to call, anyway, so it really does matter.
The man sighs, unlocks the cell, and guides me to a phone. The only number I know is 911.
Have you guessed where this is going?
I dial 911.
Were you right?
And the operator picks up. “Hello? Please state your emergency.”
Have you guessed yet?
“There’s a man, and he’s keepin’ me locked up an’ I’m scared an’ he has a gun,” I cry into the phone.
Did you guess right?
After a pause, the operator asks, “Are you calling from a police station?”
“Uh…”
The phone is roughly yanked out of my hand.
“What do you think you are doing?!” the man not quite shouts.
“I don’t have anyone else ta call,” I explain with a shrug.
“What’s your name?”
“Uhh… I’m not quite sure…” I trail off.
“What is your name?” he asks loudly.
“I’m pretty sure it’s Autumn.”
“How about giving me your last name?”
“Uh… I don’t have one.”
That statement is actually true. I really do not have a last name.
“Come on, you’re not helping yourself by not telling me. You’re not helping anyone, actually.”
“I honestly don’t know my last name,” I say.
“Who are your parents, then?”
“I don’t got any parents,” I tell him.
“Then you’ll go to an orphanage,” he says, clearly rather annoyed.
After that, he puts me back in the police car and I am drove to the nearest orphanage.
Again, I am so sorry, Laurie.
Chapter 4
LAURIE
Cold tears down my cheeks.
I’m crying.
I can’t remember the last time I have cried.
And I’ve never seen you cry, either.
Ever.
What am I going to do?
I have no food.
No water.
No cigarettes.
No beer.
Or wine.
Which is rare, anyway.
I need to stop.
Crying, I mean.
That’s what you’d tell me.
I think.
I wish you were here, Autumn.
I miss you so much.
What did I do wrong?
Because I don’t know.
Honestly.
I sniffle.
Wipe my nose with my hole-filled gloves.
Take a deep breath.
That sends shivers down my spine.
And then I start walking.
Just walk.
And walk.
And walk.
And then I spot food.
A cinnamon roll.
On a napkin.
On a bench.
A boy sits next to it.
Eyes closed.
I approach the bench.
Quietly.
My mouth waters at the sight of the roll.
I reach the bench.
And grab the roll.
And start to turn.
And then a hand clasps around my wrist.
And I spin around.
And drop the roll.
There stands the boy.
Face infuriated.
Blue eyes blazing.
Blond hair stops at his shoulders.
“I-’’ I start to say.
“What are you doing?” he yells.
“I-’’ he doesn’t let me finish before cutting me off.
He looks about your age, Autumn.
“You were stealing my food! I haven’t eaten in two days!”
“Neither have I. And why was it just sitting there?”
“You haven’t eaten in two days?”
I shake my head.
“Do you want part of my cinnamon roll?”
I look at him suspiciously.
He doesn’t look like the guy that would offer part of his only food.
I give a slight nod.
“Well then go back to your mommy and daddy and get some food from them.”
“I don’t have a mommy or daddy.”
“Well then go back to where ever you came from,” he snaps.
“But-’’
“But nothing!” he yells.
He lets go of my hand.
“You know what, have the roll. It’s all dirty. I can get another one.”
“Then why haven’t you eaten in two days?” I question.
“Will you just shut up, eat the roll, and leave?!”
“What are you going to do why I eat the roll? Study how my mouth moves?”
“Good-bye, whatever-your-name is,” he says, walking away.
“It’s Laurie!” I yell.
I pause for a moment.
“Thanks for the roll!” I call after him.
I watch him disappear into the crowd of people.
Then I bend down.
And pick up the cinnamon roll.
Brush it off.
Take a bite.
Nothing has ever tasted so good.
I remember the one time you got me a cinnamon roll.
It was the only food left.
And you gave it all to me.
All of it.
I let the roll melt in my mouth.
It tastes so good.
I start walking back to my house.
Our house.
Or is it my house now?
Now that you’re gone?
Please come back.
Please.
I miss you.
So much.
You were supposed to teach me.
How to live on my own.
When I turn twelve.
But you’re gone.
I wonder if I will ever see you again.
I hope so.
I miss you so much I ache.
I want you to come back.
I’m sorry.
For whatever I did.
But I hope you’re okay.
I really, really hope you’re not hurt.
Or dead.
What if you’re dead?
I’m home now.
But the trash can bins are moved out of the way.
Did I do that?
I can’t remember.
I move the flap we use as the door aside.
And that boy is inside.
The one from before.
In our house.
I stare at him.
My mouth is open.
Agape is a better word.
You loved that word.
I don’t know why.
But you did.
I clamp my mouth shut.
“Get outta my house!” the boy yells.
Makes a shooing away motion at me.
I am speechless.
But only for a moment.
“Your house?”
I am incredulous.
He nods.
“This is my house. My sister and my mom built it. Years ago. There’s a picture there. Of Autumn and me.”
I point to the picture.
There’s a picture of me and Autumn.
I was five.
Autumn was nine.
One year before Mom left.
Do you remember Mom?
She was so pretty.
She could’ve been a model.
Should have been.
Would have been.
If she had the chance.
But she didn’t.
“What will it take for you to leave?” the boy asks.
The cardboard house is about twenty feet across.
And seven feet wide.
I’m at one end.
And he’s at the other.
He takes out a knife.
Suddenly the big house seems very small.
Very, very small.
“Would I have to kill you?”
He points the knife at me.
“Or just wound you?”
He pauses for a moment.
“Or just give you some food?”
I don’t say anything.
“I’m waiting.”
“You’d really kill me?” I ask.
My voice is too high.
This is where you’re supposed to burst in.
And save me.
I look at the opening.
But nothing happens.
“No. Not really.”
His voice snaps my attention back to him.
The knife has been put away.
“Let’s make a deal…” he trails off.
“What kind of deal?” I ask cautiously.
“I’ll get you plenty of food,” he glances at the beer cans and cigarette box and raises his eyebrows. “And beer and cigarettes, if you let me stay here.”
I hesitate for a moment.
“Deal,” I say.
I wish you were here, Autumn.
And I’m so sorry you’re not.
Chapter 5
AUTUMN
This place is so boring.
And the people here are just plain cruel.
And I’m locked in this stupid little room because I’ve tried to escape… how many times has it been?... one… two… three… four.
Yep, that’s it.
I’ve tried to get away from this dump of a place four times.
I curl up, holding my knees to my chest as I close my eyes, breathing in the musty smell of the five foot by five foot room I’m in.
I must have fallen asleep like that or something, because suddenly the door is opening and some crazy lady is hovering above me.
“You have been adopted,” she announces.
Really; it’s that easy?
“Well, come on, get up! They’re here.”
“They didn’t want to meet me before they adopted me?” I squint up at her.
“Why? They just want someone to feed dog meat to,” she cackles.
How does that even make sense?
I stand and follow her to the main entrance of this stupid, awful, horrific, creepy, cruel place.
There, a family stands.
A mom, her brown hair short, her blue eyes smiling.
A dad, a small smile playing on his lips, his blonde hair combed neatly, his grey eyes dull.
And a boy, around my age.
The same boy whom I stole from.
The boy with the sandy hair.
The boy with the green eyes.
The boy who got me into this mess.
Laurie, I’m so sorry I’m in this mess.
Chapter 6
LAURIE
I immediately think this when I wake up:
You’re still gone.
You’re not here.
You’re not bugging me to get ready.
You’re not handing me a beer.
You’re gone.
I wish you were here.
So much.
Are you okay?
Did you—
“Laurie,” the boy says.
I snap my attention to him.
He’s kneeling in the entrance of the house.
And he’s holding a white paper bag.
The smell of something sweet makes my stomach grumble.
“I got you some breakfast.”
He hands me the bag.
I look inside.
A cinnamon roll sits there, looking more delicious than anything.
And I know why.
It’s fresh.
I bite into it.
It tastes so good.
“Thank you,” I mumble around a mouthful of it.
If you were here I’d split it with you.
No.
If you could come back I’d give you all of it.
I promise I would.
I swear I would.
After I’ve licked my fingers clean, I ask the boy, “What’s your name?”
“Anton,” he says after a moment’s pause.
“Nice to meet ya, Anton,” I grin.
He grins back.
It’s a half-grin, though.
A genuine grin.
But still a half-grin.
“Nice to meet you, too,” he says back.
I smile.
“How long are you planning on staying?” I ask after a bit.
Anton doesn’t answer right away.
I wait.
Finally, he says, “I’m not sure.”
“Autumn will come soon,” I state.
“What’s the season got to do with anything?”
Anton’s brow puckers in confusion.
“Autumn’s my sister,” I grin, crookedly.
“Oh,” is all he says.
“She will come back soon,” I repeat.
But I’m talking more to myself.
More to myself than to him.
But that doesn’t matter.
Because he says something anyway.
“When did she leave?” Anton asks.
“She didn’t leave!” I say sharply.
You didn’t.
I know you didn’t.
Something happened.
You wouldn’t just up and leave.
You’re not like that.
You’re not like Mom.
“Sorry,” Anton apologizes.
I don’t say anything.
A minute passes.
Another minute passes.
Another minute passes.
Another min—
“I talked to my brother,” Anton interrupts my thoughts.
“You have a brother?”
Then why isn’t he staying with him.
Why’s he staying in this place?
Why would anyone, if they had another choice?
“He’ll let you stay there. And me.”
And why didn’t he tell me this sooner?
“I just talked to him for the first time in months,” Anton sighs.
Oh.
“So do you want to go?”
Slowly, I nod.
“Be ready in a few,” he says, exiting the house.
“Okay,” I say tiredly.
I’m making it harder for you.
I’m making it harder for you to find me.
I’m making it nearly impossible.
But I don’t know what else to do without you here.
But will we ever see each other?
Yes.
We will.
I know we will.
But I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry for making it harder.
Chapter 7
AUTUMN
The mom’s name is Jessi.
The dad’s name is Bob.
The boy’s name is Jestin.
Odd mix of names.
Jessi tries to talk to me.
But I don’t speak.
And I’m not planning to anytime soon.
So they’ll just all have to deal with it.
Though it’s not like they’ll be dealing with it for long.
Because here’s the thing:
I’m running away.
I’m not going far.
Just far enough to find Laurie.
And I will find her.
I know the street names well enough.
I can tell where I’m at.
I’m just praying we’re not going far.
Because if we are, I’ve got no idea how I’m supposed to find her.
I sit in the backseat.
Only a seat separates me from Jestin.
Only a seat separating us.
I could lunge across and strangle him.
I could.
I should.
I want to.
But I think that’s considered a bad thing.
So if I’m in prison or whatever, I can’t find Laurie.
I look out my window, ignoring Jessi.
And we’re slowly getting farther…
And farther…
And farther away.
Farther away from you, Laurie.
Farther away from finding you.
Farther away from the only place I’ve called home.
How am I ever going to find you, Laurie?
I have no idea.
I’m so sorry I got into this mess.
Chapter 8
LAURIE
“How far away is it?” I ask Anton.
“A mile,” he replies shortly.
I nod, more to myself.
A mile isn’t that far away.
You could find me.
You will find me.
Because you… you just will.
I know you will.
I miss you.
I wish you were here.
We’d have a house to live in.
Autumn, we’ve never had a real house.
It would be amazing.
It would be great.
It would be wonderful.
Except you’re not here.
And I really really really wish you were.
Anton and I continue to walk.
It seems like it has been forever.
Walking…
Walking…
Walking…
Walki—
“We’re here,” Anton announces.
I look up from the pavement.
My jaw drops.
The house is huge.
Not for a cardboard box huge, but huge.
Wow.
The house is so big.
No.
It’s not a house.
It is definitely a mansion.
It’s two stories tall and has real glass windows and a huge door in the entrance and a stone pathway and… wow.
“C’mon,” Anton urges.
I follow him up the path.
And Anton rings the doorbell.
I suddenly feel… unclean as a man opens the door.
The man smiles as soon as he sees us.
“Hey, Anton. And… Laurie?”
I nod.
“Come on in. I got rooms ready for both of you. Dinner will be in an hour, so you can shower or whatever,” the man gestures for us to come in.
The lobby—I think that’s what it’s called— is huge, with high…ceilings?
I am led up to my room.
“I’m August, by the way,” the man says, who looks to be in his mid-twenties.
The shower is… weird.
Yep.
That pretty much covers it.
It’s weird.
It’s like rain, but it only comes from a small… I don’t know what it is.
It’s weird.
But I’m clean.
It feels so nice.
And dinner, Autumn…
It’s better than anything.
I just wish you were here.
But the food is really good.
And I’ll be sleeping in a real bed.
And—
I’m bragging, aren’t I?
Sorry.
Chapter 9
AUTUMN
We get to the people’s house late at night.
“Do you want anything to eat?” Jessi asks.
I don’t say anything.
But my stomach grumbles softly.
Too softly.
Jessi doesn’t hear it.
“I’ll show you to your room then,” she sighs, barely loud enough for me to hear.
I follow her upstairs.
“This is all yours. Hope you like it,” she says as we stand in front of the door.
As soon as she’s gone I enter the room.
I don’t pay attention to anything in there.
I just lock the door.
And sleep.
I’ll find you tomorrow, Laurie.
I mean I’ll look for you.
I can’t guarantee that I’ll find you.
I can’t promise you that.
I really wish I could.
I really really wish I could.
But I can’t.
I don’t even know where I am.
It doesn’t matter anyway.
It’s not like I know places in relation to other places.
Too bad.
That would make it easier.
So much easier.
I hope you’re okay, Laurie.
I hope you’re not starving.
I hope you’re not parched from thirst.
I hope you’re okay.
I hope you’re still alive.
I’m sorry all this happened.
I’m sorry I caused all of this.
So sorry.
Chapter 10
LAURIEI wake up in a real bed.
A real bed.
I wish you were here, Autumn.
I wish you were sleeping in a real bed.
I wish you felt sick to your stomach because you ate so much.
“Laurie?” Anton asks through the door.
“Yeah?” I answer, my voice tired-sounding.
“Be ready in 10 or so, breakfasts nearly done.”
“’Kay.”
“August put some of our sister’s clothes in the dresser drawers. You can borrow some until we have a chance to go shopping.”
“Thanks,” I say, tears gathering in my eyes.
I wipe at them angrily.
Don’t cry! I scold.
I dress in a pair of simple jeans and a plain black tee.
Then I yank our brush through my hair, attempting to get the snarls out.
And then I head down for breakfast.
And if I thought dinner was good…
“Did you cook this?” I ask August.
He nods. “I’m in culinary school right now.”
“Oh, that’s cool.”
“Yeah.” August grins. “I think so, though Anton says it’s not manly.”
“Well Anton’s a sexist,” I state, stabbing my fork into a bite of pancake.
Anton puts a hand to his heart.
“I’m wounded!” he says dramatically.
I laugh, nearly choking on my way too big bite.
“And I’m not a sexist,” he argues.
“Sure,” I shrug.
And then we’re all done.
And for those moments, I forgot.
I forgot about everything.
I forgot about how I’m technically homeless.
I forgot about how I have no parents.
I forgot about you.
Sorry.
Chapter 11
AUTUMN
When I wake up, I’m confused.And then everything comes rushing back to me.
I was adopted.
Adopted.
Me.
The thought is funny.
The whole thing is surreal.
Yet it’s not.
I sigh.
Can’t I just hide out here for… the rest of eternity?
I’m guessing not.
A knock on the door agrees.
“Yeah?” I ask groggily.
“Uh… it’s… Jestin… Mom… I mean Jess, I guess, wants you to know there’s some clothes in the closet, and you can, um, shower… Breakfast’s roughly in an hour…”
“Oh. Okay. Thanks,” I say.
I wait for him to retreat.
And then I rush to the closet.
It’s a walk-in.
Ha.
So surprising.
Not.
I randomly grab some clothes and head to the bathroom.
Laurie, this thing is so weird.
I think it’s called a shower.
But it’s super weird.
It’s like rain.
Except it’s coming out of one small… metal thing.
Weird.
I wish I could show you this, Laurie.
I miss you so much.
I wish you were here.
I wish we could see each other.
I wish we weren’t in this mess.
I wish I wasn’t living with the guy who got me in this mess.
I wish I could slap him.
I wish I could punch him.
I wish I could take a—
Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking these things.
Oops.
Sorry.
